Colour My Life With The Chaos Of Trouble

Missionary of Brisbane.

2011-07-17T18:14:00.000-07:00

We think of missionaries, we think of those who risk life and limb in strange foreign lands to save the souls of others. We think of travel and adventure. Heroes, taking a risk for God. Thus, those within our own nation are horribly neglected.

Mission is not something you have to hop on a plane to do! You can be a missionary in your own country, in your own city, in your own street, in your own home! Mission is simply sharing the gospel in an attempt to save souls, helping others selflessly through good works. That is achievable with anyone. Have you been so overwhelmed by the plight of the third world that you are forgetting those around you who are struggling and need God's love?

Be a missionary in your own neighbourhood before you become a missionary in your world. Remember that every person needs love, regardless of where they come from.

You are blessed.

2011-07-12T02:30:00.000-07:00

“Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing,
in everything give thanks;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

When I first became a Christian, it was at my school camp. We were taken to live in the mountains for a month, learning to camp, cook, and be fully functional human beings. At this point of time I was most definitely at a low point. An angry, selfish, proud young human being with the self esteem of a pebble. On the camp, we were sent into the bush to camp alone for a night, given reflective material to invoke something other than boredom. Among that I found a poem about blessings, which changed my life.

Blessings. So often unappreciated. Humans complain a ridiculous amount. We think we're so hard done by. Everything seems to go wrong, nothing goes our way. It is RIDICULOUS to me that we don't appreciate the blessings we have received. I mean, I live in one of the wealthiest nations on earth. I always have food, always have clean water, always have access to health care, education, everyone I love is healthy and well. Yet I have the nerve to complain about trivial problems such as being tired or not having everything I want? Ridiculous. God blesses us each and every day with sunlight, with beautiful moments, with wonderful people, with laughter. Does He ever get a thankyou? No. Do we ever stop to think about how much we've been blessed? Not at all. How cruel, to ignore the most incredible gifts anyone could ever give us.

Blessings don't come in massive packages. Each and every day is a blessing. Every moment. Stop and think. How has God blessed me today? How can I thank Him?

Stop and think.

Head vs Heart

2011-07-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

For so long, I've been attempting to find the words to describe how I went from a Christian to a Christ-lover, went from half-baked to full, went from in love with Christians to in love with Christ. Adam has given me that definition. Head vs Heart. A Christian in the head, or a Christian in the heart. Which are you?

The way I see it, there are two kinds of Christians. The christian in the head is usually those didn't have a massive transformation, maybe who grew up in a christian family, or slowly began to explore the faith. There isn't anything entirely wrong with that. For two years after becoming a Christian, I was very much a Christian in the head. I had begun to explore the faith, go to church, even attempted to do works for God. What I hadn't realised is that before you can do work for God, He must do a work in you.

That is where becoming a Christian in the heart comes in. That moment of wholeheartedly giving your heart to the Lord, and letting Him begin to change your life and take the wheel. Being transformed, being in love with God, more so than anything else imaginable. I think that moment for me was in my darkest point of life, where I begged God to take control of my life, because I didn't want it anymore. I didn't realise until later, but that was the moment my relationship with God moved from my head to my heart, and I began to transform immeasurably. I began to love Him more and more each day.

So, I urge all, think about where your relationship with God is sitting. Is it in your head, or has it reached your heart? Have you grown up with a comfortable faith, or have you taken a risk and stepped out of your comfort zone with God? Really think about it. Does God own your heart, or does something else? You worship whatever holds your heart.

Just imagine, the transformation that could occur when you wholeheartedly love the Lord. Step out.

Wearing your faith.

2011-07-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

"And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."

-Colossians 3:14

When I was younger, I had always been curious about Christians. There was something about them, something that made them different, something that I wanted. A glow of sorts; an undeniable glow that touched everything around them. When I became a Christian, I was initially discouraged by the fact that I, through my own perception, lacked that glow. I didn't feel Godly at all. I wasn't sure how to share my faith, how to be a Christian in general. It seemed to me that people just grew up in Christian families and naturally had that glow, had an ability to preach and save others. Had a contagious joy.

It took me almost a year of struggling and praying for that glow to realise that God had done a work in me I had completely missed. After giving my life to Him, I didn't start preaching to everyone I saw about how amazing He was. No, I began to wear my faith each and every day, without realising it. God came up in the majority of my conversations now. When I met someone new, somehow the fact I was a Christian would naturally slide into conversation. I began to wear love, wear joy, wear God. This is, I think, how it was meant to be. You don't go up to everyone you meet and exclaim, "Like my shirt? Think my dress is great? Look, I'm wearing a dress!"
No. People see you wearing it, and go to you to discuss it. Such is faith. You wear your faith, and those around you will know of your greatest love.

2011-07-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

My latest and greatest op shop find, a cute little blazer. Joy.

Speaking of Op Shopping, I'm organising an Op Shop Ball to raise funds for Destiny Rescue, and I'm unbelievably excited about it. I am nearly jumping with excitement actually. I really hope it becomes what I envision it to be, and I'm praying for organisational skills, which I very much lack.

Goals for the Winter Break

2011-06-29T03:50:00.000-07:00

Get fit and healthy. Aka actually start jogging every day, eating something other than maccas/pasta, drinking more water, etc.
Finish off a significant amount of TAFE work. I don't need it bugging me all of next semester.
Read a tonne of books.
Take heaps of photos
Start planning Op Shop Ball/ Exo Day
Write/record some demos
Read more of the bible/pray.
Fill the hole in my heart with God instead of ~~meaningless hookups~~ things that are bad for me.

Secret Garden

2011-06-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

Holly and Adam are forever the greatest models.

Why I'm happier single.

2011-06-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

Those are probably the words I never thought I'd say. It seems almost foreign coming from me, to be honest. I've always been the idealistic romantic, always involved with somebody, always craving intimacy. I went to a sermon at City Life a few weeks ago, entitled, "Is it worth it?", with the intention of proving my relationship-phobic friend that relationships are truly the greatest part of earthly existence. Instead, I left filled with doubt. Why did I want a relationship with a human being?

I wanted to fill the hole in my heart with a man instead of God, the only one who could ever fit.

The resolve I've had since that revelation has been astounding. God has continuously showered me with blessings of friendship and astounding insights into who He truly is. I've learnt the difficult, radical truth;
I serve God well as a single woman. I remember reading Paul's words about how it's better to remain single and being absolutely scornful; we were created to be in pairs! How could he, someone so close to God, say such a thing!

He had a point. I can do a lot of work for God single that I could never do in a relationship. I have more time for one. Not just physical time, but mentally my brain is a lot less filled with thoughts of my significant other, and instead filled with thoughts of God or serving. I have more room in my heart to learn to love my family and friends, instead of being filled with love for one person alone. I'm at an age at the moment where I shouldn't be even considering falling in love! I'm too young to be married, too incapable to love both a man and God, to immature to know that a man can't fill the God shaped hole in my heart. Trying to get intimacy at a young age has only led me to making a mistake I can never take back, and that has shown me how I need to be good with God before I can even think about attempting a relationship.

So, this is my radical view. I'm better off single, and so are you. That probably went against everything you ever knew. Listen to my words now though, I don't mean forever. I don't mean you're better off single forever. It may be in God's plan for you to be happily married to a Godly man! It probably is! But for this season, take heart if you are single, because you are in a GREAT situation! You are in a fantastic place to serve your friends, family, and most importantly, God. If you are in a relationship that God is for (cough Kyra) then I'm not saying that is wrong. You'll have your struggles, but that is the place you're meant to be right now. This is directed at those who aren't. Embrace that. For as long as you are single, you can achieve great things that you never could in a relationship, and when you do meet the one you marry, what you've become alone will make your relationship with him stronger than it ever could have been otherwise.

Part of that world.

2011-06-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?

-Mark 8:36

I don't want to be a part of this world anymore.

I realised today, why I felt so disconnected from God. I still have one foot in the world, while trying to live a life in Christ. How can I possibly survive this way! You can't have both. All I want is to live for Christ who died for me, but trying to adapt to what is the norm is only going to bring me further away from Him, the one I crave closeness with. I've died to my old life, but I keep trying to get it back! How destructive, trying to renew what is dead, trying to bring back what only brought me pain. As I often say, us sinners are self-destructive. The more I try to live on my own strength, the more I'm destroying what is left of my already broken self. I try to have worldly relationships, worldly possessions, worldly loves. You can only have one love.
Only God can make me whole, if I step out of this world and into His arms, with ALL of my heart.

TOTALLY GOING TO ACE THIS EXAM

2011-06-20T01:06:00.001-07:00

lol jks gonna fail so bad.

Tempt me.

2011-06-16T02:34:00.000-07:00

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

We are constantly challenged, tempted, poked and prodded almost. Sin is so alluring to us, while being so destructive. Why is something so wrong covered in pretty wrapping paper? Why does no alarm go off, the flight instinct when in a dangerous situation?

I struggle with my temptations so often. I fall so easily. How furious it makes me, to be so weak! Surely by now I'd be good? Surely by now I'd be so mature, so aware of consequence, that I can look temptation in the eye and push it aside? Alas, this is not the case! I still falter, sometimes even worse than I did when I was young and ignorant of consequence! I sometimes ask, Why Lord? Why do you constantly put temptation in front of me that I'm unable to handle? Can't you leave me be! I serve you better without that temptation! You're causing me to fall.

How could I be so callous as to suggest that this is some kind of punishment God is bestowing upon me? That it is His fault for testing me beyond my will? Sin is not of God, sin is the opposite of God. My sin is not from Him, it is only a sign of an absence of Him. Is it His fault for tempting me constantly? No. Not at all! He gave me free will, to choose Him or sin, and how am I to blame Him for my choice. He hasn't given me anything I can't handle, anything I am incapable of fleeing from. What is missing then? Why do I fall?

I am stubbornly independent. I believe in the absurd idea that I can flee sin by myself. Thus, I fall.

If you run from sin in no direction, you'll be lost. Run to your saviour and you'll be free.

Amazing

2011-06-07T21:08:00.001-07:00

Faith, hope and love.

2011-06-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

What is life without the above?
I'm often called naive, for blindly feeling them. There is so much risk, but so much happiness! Faith, oh faith. To trust, against all odds. A security regardless of what life throws your way. Hope, to pursue what seems impossible, that you have a purpose. Love. Love is truly the greatest of all. In this broken world it holds the most risk, but it brings undeniably the most joy. For love is God, and God is all you'll ever need.

Adam is the greatest best friend ever.

2011-06-02T04:27:00.001-07:00

Adam Thomas. (dododododododododo)

Something that inspired me today.

2011-06-02T03:54:00.000-07:00

This morning at staff briefing, one of the teachers stood up and relayed a story that a student had told him. The girl had been at home babysitting her three year old sister, when all of a sudden her sister began to choke, and stopped breathing. The girl called an ambulance and successfully performed CPR, saving her sisters life. She'd learnt CPR three days earlier in PE.

This story shows most obviously the benefits of teaching first aid to school students. Seriously, it is so beneficial. But this story also inspired me. You can do amazing things at any age, save lives, go above and beyond expectations at any age. Being young is no boundary, you can achieve spectacular things that you never imagined.

"I want to be with Jesus now"

2011-05-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

Twice in the past week, heartbroken Christian's have said the words to me "I want to be with Jesus now. I want it to end now." These words left me a crying wreck, because I felt entirely selfish for thinking;

"No. Don't be with God now. Stay with me."

I sat up all night trying to think of a compelling argument for why they should stay on earth, because everything inside me screamed that they needed to. I first thought it was selfishness, but then discerned that God wanted them here too. God was screaming with me, stay! Stay!

WHY would God wish for them to continue to stay on earth? Surely he'd want all his children to be with Him as soon as possible?

My thoughts are this:

You may not see your future, but God does. Your life isn't yours, it is His. You were created solely to glorify Him and change the lives of those around you. You were created with a purpose. You have the freedom, the choice, to live your life as such, but ultimately that is what you were created for, and that is what you will be great at. Therefore, no matter what is thrown your way, you are existing for a reason! Your existence is vital, for as long as you are alive on this earth. Think not of the pain that you feel in life, but think of the joy you can bring to this broken world.

2011-05-31T04:14:00.000-07:00

I always fall in love with sinking ships,

thinking I can save them too

but instead they drag me into the deep

i'm lost in a sea of you

You hold the universe.

2011-05-31T03:41:00.000-07:00

I am extremely tolerant of other faiths. In fact, I embrace them to the point of stating that there is truth in all of them. I love those who have faith in something, even if it isn't the faith that I firmly believe is correct. The one religious view, however, that I have very little, if any tolerance for, is atheism. This probably has already marked me as a naive, hypocritical bible basher, but hear me out.

The average, private type atheist is something I have no issue with. I can understand, in a world full of doubt and pain, why you'd choose to have no faith in anything. What I don't get is the atheists who treat atheism like a religion. They attend atheist meetings, try and convert others too atheism. What is the point!? Why try and convert someone from a religious belief that is harming nobody (and gives the person hope and a purpose), to believing nothing! If there is no heaven and hell, then there is no consequence anyway for believing in God.

Whenever an atheist attacks my religion, and asks me why I believe what I believe, the only thing I ever say is this;

Think. How can this all exist? The earth, the universe. How is this even possible? How is it possible that I can think, and feel? How is science possible? How is love possible? Only through something more powerful than our minds can comprehend.

2011-05-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

Designing the Perfect Man (Plagiarising Adam Thomas, as usual)

2011-05-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

Musician, or willing to learn.
Into photography
Athletic (to push me into being fit) but not sport obsessed.
A decent amount taller than me.
Likes to read and discuss books. (fiction and non fiction)
Dark hair, possibly curly.
A dazzling smile.
Likes old cottages with fireplaces.
Loves travelling.
Missional heart.
Has dreams and aspirations
Willing to debate me
Is content to dance like a dork.
Enjoys the following films: 500 Days of Summer, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Juno, Scott Pilgrim, Fight Club, American Beauty, Never Let Me Go, STAR WARS.
Listens to movie soundtracks.
Talks as much (or more) than I do.
Owns a mac.
Coffee Drinking
Is nice to my family even though they're insano.
Gentlemanly!
Food appreciative. (italian, mexican, chinese, japanese, mcdonalds...)
Passionately fights for what he loves.
Tells me I'm beautiful when I am, and tells me he loves me when I'm not.
Likes 7/11 slurpees.
Is compassionate towards all, regardless of what they've done.
Fights for human rights.
Likes mountains and the city.
Has nice arms and nice eyes.
Going/Goes/Went to University
Kisses me on the forehead.
adventurous!
likes to climb and kayak and do extreme things and force me to do extreme things with him even though i'm crying and screaming in fear.
FUNNY (but not in a dirty way.)
Likes the idea of marriage/kids/lifelong commitment.
is a MANLY MAN, but not all smelly and hairy and beer sculling, couch sitting, football watching.
Organised, Tidy, and good with finances (because I SUCK)
Can cook (because I SUCK) but willing to teach me so I can then cook and be useful.
Good at fixing things.
Non smoker, + only drinks alcohol occasionally, if ever.
Understanding of mental health issues, and the need to take mental health days.
Understanding and forgiving of my past.
IN LOVE WITH GOD WITH ALL OF HIS HEART, BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE ON EARTH.

The person I marry will probably be nothing like this list, and I will embrace it. He will change the list to be a list of qualities about him. This is just my shallow little list of what attracts me. Yay.

2011-05-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

Every first kiss should be like this.

Don't judge a book by it's cover.

2011-05-26T05:43:00.000-07:00

So I often get forced to take my dog for a walk, which is truly the most dreadfully interesting activity. He pulls and runs and marks his territory on every pole in sight. The highlight of these walks, however, is probably the frequent occasion where we run into other dogs. They sniff each other tentatively, before becoming dear friends (this is a rarity), or beginning to maul one another violently. Essentially, they are judging one another based solely on their smell.

It occurred to me today how primitive humans are becoming, as we too are beginning to judge this easily! Sure, it isn't based on smell, but it's based on the most simple of things, like hair or eyes. We lash out at one another based on a first impression! Society has become increasingly shallow.

I often say "I can tell someone's personality from a glance". That is unbelievably judgemental of me, and whenever I've made the effort to delve deeper, I discover a person unlike anything I could have imagined. Someone incredible. Don't imitate our canine friends; love, don't fear, what is unknown, and treat all humans as a gift you want to unwrap.

Love Love Me.

2011-05-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

So, you're a hopeless sinner. A screw up. A failure.

Truly, a lot of people take this a lot further to heart than they should. They use it as an excuse to despise themselves. "I'm a sinner, I'm a horrible person". They hide behind self-loathing, without realising that those who can't love themselves can't possibly be loved, or love in return.

When I tell people I love myself, they see it as me being overcome with pride. That couldn't be further from the truth. You know the saying "Hate the sin, love the sinner"? That applies to yourself too. I don't hate myself. I passionately hate sin, and the sins I commit. I know that I'm a broken, abhorrently sinful creature, but you know what? I'm also fearfully and wonderfully made, in God's image. I hate the sin inside of me, but I love the creation that is me.

So love yourself! Acknowledge your faults but love yourself all the same! Compliment yourself. Treat yourself like a wonderful creation, and you'll find yourself becoming closer to what God's purpose is for you, and truly defeating the enemy.

Who are we fooling?

2011-05-22T16:02:00.000-07:00

The sermon last night was on falling in love, and staying in love. It stirred up dissent again, as I woke from the coma that I keep falling into. Content with a second-rate romance. Content with momentary satisfaction. Temporary. Fake. It aches. So badly it aches. I hate being alone, but I hate the constant pain you cause me. Your actions do not reflect your words. If you pull that friends line one more time, I'm going to slap you. You don't treat your friends like you treat me. I feel trapped. So very trapped.

2011-05-22T15:58:00.001-07:00

My dearest friend.

The Last Night On Earth

2011-05-20T23:27:00.000-07:00

I do not believe that the world is ending tonight. No human knows the time, knows the date.

I do, however, think that every single person should stop and think today.

Truthfully, if the world were to end tonight, would any of us be ready?

I, for one, would not. Not because I want to finish university or get married or have children. I would love to do all of these things, but that isn't why I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to go because I don't feel that in this minute, I am completely right with God, and completely right with the people around me.

If I was to meet God tonight, what would he say to me? I haven't yet taken some stuff to Him. I haven't sought forgiveness for some things I've done.

Any day could be your last. Any day. Life shouldn't be treated as a certainty, it is a blessing! We are blessed to be alive on this day, so why treat with disinterest! I don't mean that people should go and indulge in temptation just in case the world ends today. I mean that we should wake up each morning ready to love with our whole heart, make a difference in the lives of those around us. I realise that I need to lay my sins upon the cross today. Seek forgiveness, no matter how undeserving I feel. See light in every situation. Don't live my days anxious, but in awe of the splendour of the King.

So, the weekend is here.

2011-05-20T03:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so exhausted lately. I don't know why, I've been going to sleep ridiculously early all week and yet I'm still so tired! Leo is possibly (?) coming over tonight to watch a movie, but to be honest I'd rather he didn't because I am so tired and just want to sleeeeep.
Vetamorphus Retreat tomorrow, woopwoop.
Then seeing Markymark.
City Life on Sunday.
Somewhere in there I need to study for university.
Oh, exhaustion.

2011-05-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Off to work at Caboolture Campus for the day.

This seemed appropriate.

2011-05-19T04:11:00.000-07:00

One day, I want to own two cats, Potato and Metro Station, and a dog named Carl who hides under my porch (because he loves me). I want to live in a cottage, with old fashioned windows and old fashioned doors, and walls lined with bookshelves. In fact, the walls should be bookshelves, not walls. I want my home to be filled with homely things, photos everywhere, comfy couches with holes in them from where the cats have gotten feisty. There should be a piano, a guitar, a ukelele, a harmonica. Everything that is capable of making music. The garden should be overgrown and filled with flowers, and a big oak tree with a swing. I want a husband who knows the meaning of the word pulchritudinous and sees it in everything, even me. I want two little girls, Maya and Adele, and a boy named Tristan. They should all be red-haired, grey eyed, insane little creatures. I want to work for Amnesty International. I want to save lives. I want to see God in every single moment.

This future will never exist. There is something greater, if I only have the heart to look for it.

the city is lovely, and leonardo has a grande chin.

2011-05-19T04:02:00.000-07:00

2011-05-19T02:58:00.000-07:00

So we may have reached the annual Osborne family meltdown.
Grab your popcorn, grab your beanbag, and take bets on how long it will take for the D-word to present itself.
Oh, and it's the eldest girls fault again. What a selfish brat.

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength"

2011-05-17T22:40:00.001-07:00

C.H Spurgeon

Freedom

2011-05-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am not free.
Not in the slightest.
There should be freedom in Christ! Not chains. Not a cage. Not an overwhelming sense of entrapment.
I feel trapped by the people around me. Trapped into being a well behaved Christian girl. I've never been good at loving the things I'm told to do, and its destroying my relationship with God, being told to always love Him. I want it to be my choice. I don't want the fear of people finding out my sins. They're wiped away! Why does it matter what the world thinks? But it does. I'm trapped by their opinions.
I feel trapped by anxiety. I can't move, I can't feel, without a consuming weight on my shoulders. An overwhelming panic. I want to do what other people do, but I feel like I can't, because the moment I spook I curl up in a ball and hide away until the situation is over.
Ergh. I want freedom!

Carry yourself like a Queen, and you will attract a King

2011-05-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

2011-05-15T19:44:00.001-07:00

Wow, how things have changed.

2011-05-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me today that my top four most frequently texted phone contacts have completely changed from this time last year. This may seem like a trivial fact, but it truly represents a lot. Some friendships have grown enormously, and some have faded into oblivion.
I'm not sure whether to be sad; It just goes to show that nothing is permanent except God, no matter how much I'd like it to be.

Childlike faith.

2011-05-14T01:49:00.000-07:00

I attended the Hillsong Conference on Tuesday. Putting all the controversy and different opinions about Hillsong aside, it was a phenomenal conference, and my nearly empty metaphorical cup was filled some more. One of the speakers said "have childlike faith", which struck me. For the past month or so it keeps entering conversation; the idea of having a naive faith, versus having a well-developed, skeptical one. Which is better to adopt in the treacherous terrain of life?

The term "childlike faith" to me seems to represent an unquestioning trust in God. Children (like beautiful Ella-Rose in the picture) will often see joy in every situation, even the bad. They look at the world, however broken it may be, with wonder and awe. Innocence. We lose that with age. For me, it was when I finally took my head out of the books and actually began to observe the world around me. I was utterly disenchanted with it. What is this world that does not resemble the world I was reading about? It isn't full of beauty and love, it is full of hate, ugly hate! It took years of prayer for me to be transformed from that mindset. Some think it's idiotic, to see the world, to see people, and most of all, to see God, with unshakeable awe, unquestioningly faithful. Questioning things is wonderful. Knowledge is never attained by sheeplike behaviour. Faith in God, however, I believe should be childlike, filled with wonder and awe, whilst also a curiosity. Seeing the world as beautiful, no matter what the situation. Having a faith and trust in love in something that can't easily be proven.

Childlike faith has by far made me a happier person. Seeing beauty in every part of this broken world, looking at God with awe and wonder, now that has brought me more joy than dwelling on pain ever could.

photographics.

2011-05-14T01:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been taking as many photographs as I usually would lately. Lacking in time, energy, creativity, hopefully that will change.

Here is some recentness. :)

Beyond our wildest imagination.

2011-05-12T03:18:00.000-07:00

God is so hard to understand.
Lately so many questions have been piling in, massive debates of theology, different understandings, and its showing me that maybe I do know what I believe more than I thought I did.
The church is so torn. So broken. It often is so easily forgotten that we're one Church, one body of Christ.
It's difficult to discern God. How can we presume to know Him so well?

I need to get my act together and sort myself out, because I feel so inadequate and undeserving of my job in ministry.

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

2011-05-02T22:33:00.001-07:00

Martin Luther King Jr.

Forgive me

2011-04-08T15:56:00.000-07:00

If we are forgiven, does it make it okay to indulge in behaviours that are wrong?
I thought I knew the answer to this question, but it's entirely more complex than I ever thought. I'm forgiven, right? For everything I've ever done, for everything I'm doing, for everything I'll ever do. It's difficult not to treat it as a hall pass of sorts, a guarantee that no matter how much I screw up, I'm going to be fine, so I may as well let go a little, have some fun. When I've screwed up, done something sinful, I'm always told "Don't worry too much, it's forgiven."
Which only leads to me feeling guiltier, because I don't deserve the forgiveness bestowed upon me.
My answer to this at the moment is that now that Christ has provided us with an undeserved forgiveness, we are clean, we are. But we have to treat that sacrifice with respect, not treat it as a hall pass to sinful behaviour. Following biblical law, fleeing from sin...that's for our benefit as well. Something I've learnt is that sooner or later, sin has it's consequences. Which are often rather painful. A lot of people treat Christianity as so legalistic... That the rules must be followed simply because it's the rules. If you break them, you're a bad person. This irks me to no end...all sin is equal! Lying is completely on par with sleeping with someone before marriage. Murder? Well it's equal with saying hurtful things about someone. I completely went off on a tangent then, but it seemed important. We should not make it a legal thing. Not sinning, going against our very nature, it's something we have to want to do, seeing the consequences and going, hey, I'm worth more than this.
So, what I've gathered from this piece of writing is that;
Yes, you are forgiven, and can essentially go out and sin to your hearts content.
BUT
How wrong is it to throw Christ's unbelievable sacrifice back in His face?
AND
Do you really want a life full of those consequences?
BUT
If you do screw up, take it to God, ask and thank him for forgiveness, and don't let anyone tell you you're a worse sinner than them, that you are less holy.

Thus endeths my thoughts for today.

Candles

2011-02-21T02:06:00.000-08:00

God created beauty.

That is a fact that so very often will go unnoticed, uncredited. Humans did not create beauty. God is beauty, and everything beautiful was crafted by His loving hand.
The concept, the gift of beauty, was lost long ago. Humans have torn it to pieces, making the fatal error of seeing beauty and perfection as the same. The idea of perfection being beauty has led the human race into a mad frenzy, trying to achieve perfection, perfection dictated by a consumer driven society.

Tonight, there was a massive storm. The sky went black, and so did our house. All the power in my suburb was cut, and everything was darkness. I apprehensively decided to have a shower, simply because there was nothing else to do in my house with the absence of electricity. I lit a candle, closed the door, undressed and paused. Something was different. I looked at myself in the mirror, and was honestly in shock for minutes. Standing there in the candlelight was me. Nothing different. What had changed was that I was looking at myself in real light, God created light. The scars were still there. My body was still too big in places, too little in others, by human standards. My face was still too round, my hair still unmanageable.

Tonight, I actually saw what God saw. A person created in the likeness of Him. The things I hated about myself seemed to become beautiful, instead of ugly. I saw the woman that my future husband would see on our wedding night, someone wonderful in her imperfections, someone worthy of love.

I think every single person should turn off all the lights and strip down in candlelight, and actually look. Strip away every idea that society has planted in your head about beauty, and really look at yourself, through the eyes of those around you, through the eyes of your future husband or wife, through the eyes of the God who created you as beautiful as Him.

2011-01-26T06:32:00.001-08:00

You, Lord, have captivated my heart tonight. You have romanced me. You are my first love, my last love.
For with you with me, who could ever stop me? What could stand against?

2011-01-23T22:08:00.001-08:00

Losing love isn't something that should destroy you. Inside, you may ache, you may want to scream, want to fall apart. Become reckless. But you know what? You'll lose your beauty. You'll lose what made someone fall in love with you in the first place. Happiness can be a choice. Choose to be happy. Choose to walk forward and show the world that you are strong. Don't be afraid to be vunerable, but don't let it control your life. Always remember that if it's meant to be, they'll come back to you one day. If not, there's someone even better out there for you, and you'll spend your life happy that the choices you made led you to an even greater love. Never regret. Don't place your self worth in someone else's hands. Keep faith.

Welcome to a new world.

2011-01-23T15:02:00.000-08:00

It seems completely surreal to me. It finally hit, after two months of being finished school, it has only just hit me.
It's over. What had been my reality for twelve years, which in retrospect is pretty much my entire life (considering the years before then is a blissful haze of twirling around to songs about dinosaurs), is now gone, and I'm left with...something new. I don't even know what that is yet. We are at a point now where every other graduate knows what they're doing this year, and I'm still in doubt. I don't know if I'm going to university, or if I'm doing an internship, or if I'm working, or if I'm doing a mission trip, or if I'm doing all of the above at the same time. I'd gotten so used to the safety of a stable place, a place where I could make mistakes, where I could dream of a future without actually facing the reality of it. Now that I'm out, I'm scared. I know what I want to do with my life, it's just the journey that is frightening me at the moment.

How do I get to this beautiful, God filled future? How do I get there?

Cocoon

2010-12-30T02:41:00.000-08:00

We live in a world where you can’t get a child’s price if you are over twelve, but you can’t get adult drinks until you are eighteen. You are expected to be gaining financial independence, but don’t have the right to make your own choices with your money. You are supposed to be able to make adult choices about your education, yet are apparently unable to make sound choices about other parts of your life. To be a teenager, you are in a state of limbo. Too old to be a child, but too young to be an adult. Old enough to take responsibility for your decisions, but supposedly too young to make them. Is it any wonder adolescents are so messed up? Is it any wonder we crave intimacy and a sense of belonging? We effectively don’t belong at all. We are in a metaphorical cocoon, alone, unsure, unable to be defined, just waiting to become something wonderful.

Blank White Page

2010-12-12T13:31:00.000-08:00

I’m always tired lately. My mind goes in and out of complete exhaustion and an almost drunken high. It’s messing with my head, I can’t figure out why I’m so tired, and I can’t seem to sleep in later than 7am. I really want a cat. A little kitten. My family is going through an odd time. Not the usual screaming time, but a time where everyone just seems irritated at everyone, with no plausible cause, and I don’t really fit anymore because I’m never home. I never really did fit. My parents, instead of giving me more independence to make my own decisions now that I’m reaching the adult world, have started holding even tighter onto me, using threats to make me obey their rules about my life, rules that are meant to help me grow up and become independent. I don’t know if I even have any friends anymore, not really. Everyone seems to caught up in other things and I don’t really know if I matter anymore, and I’m holding onto grudges I should have let go of a long time ago. The ones who I always thought would be there though, I destroyed the friendship with. Someone commented that I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend, so I paused for a moment, and thought about it, was I pushing away my other friends for him? Then I realised that I was spending so much time with him because he was the only one who seemed to want to anymore. I had an insane experience with God last week, and my love for Him has grown immensely, yet I still keep letting Him down. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. This is too true.

I don’t know how I feel about life at the moment. I just think a lot has changed and I need to start building a life around it. I haven’t spilled out my thoughts in a while, so I thought I’d give it a try. Therapy almost. I can’t really talk to anyone else about this stuff anymore.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

2010-11-30T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well, God has truly answered a lot of my prayers from this year, all at once, in one big clump.
I never would have expected a lot of what has happened. So many doors have opened, so many opportunities....
The two people I wanted to be with most suddenly wanted to be with me, and it took a lot of prayer to figure out the right decision, however hard it was. I am so thankful for the decision I made though, as difficult as it will be. What is easy is not always right. What is right is not always easy.

I think I've lost my best friend, and I'll have to see if it will be worth it one day. I'm not sure at all, all I know is that I've never smiled so much.

Today is my last day of school.

2010-11-09T11:43:00.001-08:00

You know what? I'm not utterly devastated, or anything like that. I'm thrilled with the prospect.
I am finally going to be free.

I feel like running away from love.

2010-11-08T23:42:00.001-08:00

HELLO ADAM, MY ONE AND ONLY FOLLOWER.

2010-10-29T03:48:00.001-07:00

Only you get to know my deepest and most exciting of thoughts.
Especially those about REGINA SPEKTOR.

Sometimes your shallowness is so through, it's almost like depth.

2010-10-29T03:46:00.000-07:00

I've realised over the past few days that my outer self certainly does not reflect my inner self.
Someone made the comment to me today that I am the "selfless, innocent Christian girl". This statement shocked me to the core, I did not realise I came across like that, especially to non Christians. In contrast, around Christians I feel like the rebel, the easily misguided one with a rocky past. I feel like their project, trying to take my raw passion and mistakes of the past and turn it into something perfect.

I don't even know what I am anymore. My relationship with God is so much stronger on the outside than the inside. Somethings I have learnt well, I rely completely on God's strength, I completely give every decision to Him and go His way. However, I still cannot pray wholeheartedly in a group without being distracted by worldly thoughts. I still don't read the bible. I can rarely worship anymore without my mind being filled with distractions. I sometimes grow frightened that one day I'll wake up and realise that my faith is fake, and that I have nothing left.

Bitter Coffee

2010-10-27T02:56:00.000-07:00

My emotions are truly a mess these days.
I will cry for no reason at all.
I'm angry at someone I cared about, simply because he cares for others more than me.
I'm in love with a compulsive liar.

Living is tedious sometimes.

I Don't Need A Soul

2010-10-18T02:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was fantastic.
Reasons why yesterday was fantastic:

I ran into a friend of mine on my way to the train station.
The dorky but amazing outfits my friend made for us to wear.
SUPER YUMMY FATTY MACCAS. I always enjoy weight gain.
Meeting hardcore Paramore fans who had been camping out in line since daybreak.
Meeting some really nice girls who helped us guard the line from intruders.
Actually seeing BRANDON CHESBRO'S camera. His actual camera, and having a picture taken of me and my friend on it.
The soundcheck.
General fun in line for seven hours, despite the sunburn.
The girls behind us trying to get one of the security guards attention.
Meeting people in the moshpit while awkwardly being squashed against them.
Leaving the moshpit and actually being able to breathe.
Running into a billion people I know.
The Jury and The Saints, and how funny they were.
The moment when Relient K started playing Be My Escape.
Africa, where Paramore came on stage and sabotaged Relient K.
Paramore's intro.
Paramore's entire set.
PARAMORE.
JOSH FARRO JOSH FARRO JOSH FARRO
The acoustic part.
The video in the background of Looking Up.
The pyrotechnics in The Only Exception.
Seeing all the cute couples gazing at each other during the Only Exception.
The guy getting pulled on stage during MizBiz.
General chaos at the end where other bands came on stage and started playing instruments and confetti fell everywhere.
Jesse and Tirzah and how utterly entertaining they are.
Finally falling asleep.

And I return,

2010-10-18T02:34:00.001-07:00

after a short absence.
I am beginning a new blog, a happy place, full of smiles and rainbows.